


barely holden on

by peachinthepuss



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Dubious Consent, HAPPY ENDING THO!, M/M, a lot of sad :( feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 09:04:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12454068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachinthepuss/pseuds/peachinthepuss
Summary: jack and holden are barely holden on





	barely holden on

“Come on, Holden,” Alex leaned over Holden’s shoulder, resting a good amount of his weight against his back so he could look at what was on his desk, “We both know you’re in _loooooove_ with him.”

 

“Shut up, Alex,” Holden snipped back, refusing to take his eyes off his paperwork, “I am not. Besides, Jack doesn’t really _do_ the whole love thing outside of you, remember?”

 

“Bullshit,” Alex laughed, “Jer, he buys you _flowers_. That has to mean something.”

 

“Correction,” Holden signed his name with a flourish, “He buys _you_ flowers. He leaves the wilted ones that make the bouquet look stupid at my house while I’m gone.”

 

“Then explain to me why those ‘wilted’ flowers happen to be your favorite ones?” Alex pushed off Holden’s back, walking around the desk to sit on the chair facing the other man.

 

Holden didn’t respond; Instead, he pretended to read the papers in front of him. He didn’t want to admit that he had stronger feelings for Jack than he had initially planned on having. Sure, he liked spending time with Jack and he would always imagine what it’d be like to actually be his boyfriend but Jack wasn’t that type of guy. It was hard enough getting him to come to terms with his feelings for Alex and Holden couldn’t imagine anyone going through that much grief for _him_ , let alone Jack doing it.

 

Alex watched as Holden’s eyes flashed as he thought. It was always easy to tell what Holden was feeling; He never held himself back when it came to showing his emotions. If he was angry, you would be able to feel the irritation radiate from his body; if he was happy, he glowed; if he was sad, his whole body drooped with it. His body wasn’t _quite_ drooping, but Alex could see from the set of his shoulders and the fake concentration on his face that he’d struck a nerve. He hadn’t meant to, he’d just wanted to teasingly push Holden in a direction that would end positively for everyone, but he should’ve know that whenever Jack was involved, emotions would be a sore spot to venture into.

 

“Jer, hey.” Alex waved his hand in front of Holden’s face, snapping him out of his thoughts and bringing him back to the office. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” Holden said gruffly, firmly shuffling his papers together by banging the bottom of the pile against the desk a few times to straighten them out, “At all.”

 

“You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met,” Alex leaned over the desk, reached out and tilted Holden’s face up by lightly gripping his chin, forcing him to look at him, “Tell me, Jeremy.”

 

“You…” Holden frowned, not wanting to tell him what he was thinking, but his face was flushing and he couldn’t help but give in. It was Alex, after all, and none of them could really deny Alex. “Jack isn’t in love with me, Alex. Maybe I...feel _something_ for him. But the feeling isn’t mutual. Get it?”

 

“Oh, come on,” Alex scoffed, “He looks at you -”

 

“No,” Holden cut him off firmly, pushing his hand away so he could get back to work, “Jack doesn’t love me, Markov. And I _certainly_ don’t love him. Understand?”

 

Alex let the matter drop, but the twist of his mouth gave away that he didn’t believe him. A quiet settled over them both for nearly ten minutes before it was broken by someone peeking in.

 

“Hey, uh,” August knocked on the open door, leaning his head into the office where Alex and Holden had been talking, “Is something up with Jack?”

 

“Jack?” Holden’s head snapped up from the paperwork, nearly as fast as Alex’s, “What do you mean?”

 

“Oh,” August pointed behind him, “I just saw him leaving and he looked pissed as hell. He had some coffee but he dropped it in a trash can and it went fucking everywhere, so I figured he must have got into a fight with Holden or something.”

 

Holden, feeling a little cold in the pit of his stomach, stood up, “Where did he go?”

 

“His car,” August shrugged, “He drove off before we could catch up.”

 

“Shit,” Alex stood up and Holden joined him, sharing a concerned look before stepping away from the desk, “August, can you let Graves know we took a lunch?”

 

“Yeah, sure,” August furrowed his brow, but he stepped aside to let them through, “Is it gonna be a long one?”  
  


“Probably,” Holden said honestly, “We’re gonna go check on him.”

 

August hummed in agreement and then they both hurried out of the building, headed straight for Holden’s car. Alex had stayed with Adam last night and he’d been dropped off, so his piece of blue shit wasn’t even around as an option.

 

“You think he heard?” Holden asked nervously, buckling up and waiting for Alex to do the same before he started the car.

  
“Of course he heard, Jer! I don’t know _what_ he heard though, or what triggered this.” Alex said back, pulling his phone out to presumably call Jack. “He’s not answering, just drive to Graves’ place. Turn the lights on and drive fast.”

 

Holden did so, speeding out of the parking lot and narrowly missed hitting a few people on his way out. His hands were gripping the steering wheel anxiously, his lip caught between his teeth and his stomach turning in fear of having fucked everything up with Jack. He didn’t know what part exactly he said to piss Jack off but he knew that Jack didn’t have feelings for him; he didn’t appear to have feelings for anyone other than Alex and they were all okay with that so why was this such a big deal? A resurgence of his problem with how he felt over Alex, maybe? Or maybe he’d heard Holden admit that _he_ had feelings for him?

 

“It’ll be alright, Jeremy.” Alex reached over, placing a hand on Holden’s thigh and gently rubbing his thumb in small circles. He knew Holden’s mind was racing, trying desperately to figure out a way to fix this - but he can’t fix something if the actual problem isn’t clear. “Don’t worry about it too much. We’ll figure it out.”

 

Holden just nodded, not trusting himself to speak, and sped up. His driving was borderline illegal but he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything other than Jack at that moment and he’d flicked the lights on before they’d even left the parking lot.

 

Nowhere in Silverlake was farther than a fifteen minute drive, especially not at the speed he was going. Graves mansion came into view closing in on that fifteen minute limit, but his stomach settled a little when he saw Jack’s car in the parking lot. He turned the sirens off as he pulled up, chewing his bottom lip to release some of the nervous energy in his hands.

 

“He came home, at least,” Alex squeezed his thigh, “We can just talk about it.”

 

“Yeah…” Holden parked behind Jack and put the car in park, turning the engine off after a short pause, “Maybe I should go in first? If he’s running away about feelings again or whatever, maybe it would be better if you stayed here for a few minutes? Would that work?”

 

“No, yeah,” Alex pulled his hand back, fidgeting and nervously looking at the door, “That makes sense. Call me if you want me to come in, okay?”

 

“I will,” Holden promised, leaning over to kiss him lightly, “We’ll talk him down. He’s not gonna leave again.”

 

“Damn right, he isn’t.” Alex said firmly and smiled. Holden smiled back reassuringly, and then got out of the car and shut the door slowly so it didn’t make too much noise. No doubt Jack knew they were there, but he didn’t wanna make a show of it.

 

He had a key, but the front door was unlocked. He walked in and shut it behind him, then looked around. The bottom floor was quiet and dark, but he could hear thumping from upstairs.

 

“Jack?” He called out loudly, “You here? Or did someone break in?”

 

There was no response, only the occasional sounds coming from upstairs that got more frequent once Holden had spoken. He took in a deep breath and walked up the staircase, keeping himself composed as he readied himself to talk Jack out of leaving. It would probably at least _start_ in a fight, and he needed to prepare himself for it.

 

“Jack.” Holden spoke, a little quieter than before, as he pushed open the door to the room Jack had claimed as his own when he moved into Graves’. He looked around, not seeing the other man but noticing his suitcase open on the bed, almost full, and his backpack on the floor.

 

“Move, Holden.” A voice spoke from right behind him, causing Holden to jump slightly and spin around, coming face to face with an expressionless Jack. Holden didn’t move, seemingly frozen in his place and Jack just rolled his eyes, pushing past him and shoving the last of what he needed into his suitcase.

 

“Wait!” Holden snapped out of it, walking towards Jack and pushing his hands away from the suitcase. “Why are you acting like this? You’re leaving?”

 

“I’m not acting like anything, Holden. Fuck off and let me finish.” Jack’s tone was apathetic, something that Holden hadn’t heard in a while and he almost forgot how chilling it could be. Jack shoved him to the side harshly, wanting to just get out of the house as soon as he could.

 

“What, you’re just going to leave? What about Alex? Or me, or any of the others? You’re just gonna fuck off like you always do?” Holden got in between Jack and the bed again, looking up slightly to glare at him. “You can’t just leave without trying to fix whatever has you acting like a fucking bitch, Jack.”

 

Anger flashed through Jack’s eyes and Holden knew he had to get Jack angry to even get anywhere close to fixing the problem. That was just how he worked; if he was angry, he would eventually let the problem slip.

 

“Me? I’m the bitch?” Jack scoffed, shouldering past him so he could throw his shit into his suitcase and zip it up, “Yeah, right. You’re more high maintenance than a purebred poodle, now get the fuck out of my way.”

 

“Jack, just listen,” Holden set his hands on the suitcase, stopping Jack from pulling it off the bed, “Just _talk_ to me! Whatever’s wrong, we can fucking fix it.”

 

“I _am_ fixing it, Holden. Talking doesn’t do shit and we both know that. _Move_.” Jack spat, his hands curling into fists at his sides. He started to count to ten in his head, reaching and then starting over a few times just to calm himself down.

 

“What the fuck do you mean it doesn’t do shit? Jack, you’ve been here for months! Everything’s been going okay, aside from apparently something that’s crawled up your ass enough that you’re trying to run away again!” Unsure of what else to do, Holden pulled his only trump card, “Alex is in the car, and he doesn’t know why you’re leaving but he’s worried that you’re disappearing again. We’re _both_ worried.”

 

Jack looked away from Holden, his jaw clenching and eyes closing at the mention of Alex. He didn’t want to hurt Alex again by leaving, that was the last thing he ever wanted to do, but hearing what Holden said about him earlier was too much and he felt suffocated just being in the same room as him. If he stayed, he’d just be holed up in his room, too scared of messing things up if he ever went out and had to spend time with Holden.

 

Jack had _heard him_ , what he’d said to Alex in their office. He’d been just about to knock, standing at the door, his hand clutching a coffee that he had picked up on the way to see Holden. The coffee hadn’t even been for him; He’d memorized Holden’s usual order in an attempt to do something nice for him because God knows Jack wasn’t good at verbally showing his appreciation for the people around him. His chest tightened as he remembered the words Holden had said to Alex. If he’d let himself think more about it, it would have cut deep enough to bring a stinging wetness to his eyes.

 

He’d turned around, dropping the coffee in a trash can and storming out of the police department and not looking back, not even when Marco and August had started calling his name. He’d got into his car and deftly drove out of the parking lot and to Graves’ mansion.

Jack had a clear plan in mind - he had escape plans for every situation he was in and this was just one of many - and he didn’t care about the promises he had made or how if he did this he knew none of them would forgive him as easily as they did before. But if Holden found it so easy to disregard what he might be feeling, then he would be able to leave just as easily.

 

“You’re being overdramatic as usual, Holden. That’s all you ever fucking do.” Jack hissed, watching as Holden’s strong expression faltered slightly and his shoulders slumped. “I don’t want to be here; It’s not Alex’s fault and you fucking know that, so don’t bring him into this to guilt trip me.”

 

“ _I_ ,” Holden took a deep breath, “Don’t know anything, because _you_ won’t talk. If you don’t want to be here, fucking - fucking _fine_ , but if it isn’t Alex’s fault then is it _my_ fault? Is it something someone else did?”

 

“God, you really are dumber than I thought.” Jack sneered. He had to make Holden back off, he didn’t want to _deal with this_. He just wanted to leave, god damn it. Apathy wasn’t working, so he decided to go with a crueler route. “Maybe if you spent less time on your fucking knees and sucking dicks, you’d be more aware of the shit that comes out of your mouth.”

 

“Last time I checked,” Holden snapped back, trying to figure out if that was some sort of confirmation that Jack had heard him admit he had feelings for him or not, “You liked to be on your knees too, asshole. But that isn’t the point; I know what you’re doing and it isn’t going to work. You’re not just gonna - piss me off until I leave. I know you too well.”

 

“Do you even hear yourself when you speak, Holden? You don’t know shit! You’re such a fucking know-it-all, but you’re just fucking delusional.” Jack stepped forward, causing Holden to move away. He kept walking forward, pretty much pinning Holden to the wall with his arms to either side of his head, towering over him. “You think anyone gives a single shit about you? They fucking don’t, Jeremy. You’re just another hole for them to fuck, that’s what this all _is_ , Holden. There’s no feelings; Nothing, not for you, not for me. So go back to Alex and tell him what a big, bad wolf I am. Go cry to him and leave me the fuck alone.”

 

“You don’t mean that.” Holden shook his head, stared fiercely back and maybe his eyes were watering, maybe his throat was closing up and his nose was getting stuffy and his voice cracked, but he wasn’t going to break eye contact, “You’re a lot of things, Jack, but you’re not that kind of liar. And m-maybe you don’t care about me or about any of the others and, fuck, maybe _none_ of them care about me, but I know that you care about Alex, at least, and - and,”

 

He had to stop, sniffing hard and reaching up to shove at wetness that escaped his eyes, brushing against Jack, the two of them so close that Jack could feel the trembling of his shoulders, “And you’re hurting him so at least go explain yourself to _him_ if you won’t talk to me.”

 

“No.” Jack said simply, pushing away from Holden and taking the chance now that he was weak to pick up his things. “I don’t owe any of you a single fucking thing. Not Alex, not Graves, and especially not _you_.”

 

Jack bent down to pick up his backpack, swinging it over his shoulder and reaching forward to grab his suitcase. He heard a door slam shut a second after he’d pulled the suitcase onto the floor and he looked over his shoulder, groaning in frustration as he saw Holden standing in front of it, arms crossed and face still red and wet from tears.

 

“What, Holden? What the fuck do you want now?” Jack yelled, throwing his backpack to the floor in complete, unadulterated anger. He was too far into it to even attempt to calm himself down.

 

“If you want to leave, then you’re gonna have to -” Holden stopped, tried to search for words and, when he came up with nothing, just crossed his arms tighter, “I - _fuck_ , I don’t want you to go, Jack! Okay, _I_ don’t want you to go, and A-Alex doesn’t, no one does, so - whatever you want, okay? Don’t fucking leave if there’s _anything_ I can do to make you stay.”

 

Jack glared at him, tried to think of something short of punching his lights out that would get him to move.

 

“Anything, huh?” He finally smirked when an idea formed in his head. His eyes trailed over Holden’s body, akin to the way he’d used to look at fellow clubgoers when he was scouting out some friendship for the night. If Holden didn’t have feeling for him and _he_ didn’t have feelings for _Holden_ , then this was all just sex. Might as well make the most of it before he left. “Why don’t you show me what I’ll be missing if I leave? Prove that you’re worth staying for; what the hell can I get from you that I can’t get from anyone else?”

 

Jack knew Holden. Holden was willing to do a lot of things - but he had enough pride that he wouldn’t pimp himself out. He’d already begged Jack to stay, his pride wasn’t gonna let him do more than that. The moment the idea had occurred to him, he’d been almost certain that this would be his golden ticket out of Silverlake and his smirk grew when he saw Holden look down nervously, his lip between his teeth and anxiety clear on his face.

 

But then he watched Holden inhale sharply, a cut off sob, wipe his eyes even though it did little to actually stem the tears that were slowly leaking, and uncross his arms with a nod.

 

“Fine.” He dropped to his knees in front of Jack, tilting his head back to look at him as he started to unbutton his uniform shirt, “Okay.”

 

Jack looked down at Holden, his eyes slightly wide from the shock that he had actually agreed to this. This...was unexpected.

 

He recovered quickly though. If this was like one of his club pickups then this was something he had done countless times and he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to have a quick fuck before he got out of there while Holden was asleep. Jack unbuttoned his jeans, pulling down the zipper and pushing them to his knees. He left his boxers on, reaching forward to stroke a hand over Holden’s cheek before gripping his hair tightly - just like Holden hated - and pulling forward slightly.

 

“I told you, you’re nothing more than a hole to fuck.” He smiled down at Holden, laughing at his flushed face.

 

“If that’s what you want,” Holden wiped his face again and sniffed hard, moved his hands to Jack’s boxers but not pulling them down without permission, looking up at him with wet eyes, “That’s what I’ll be. Can I?”

 

“Go on. I don’t have all day, Holden.” Jack said, a stab of regret hitting his chest as the words left his lips. Maybe he was being a bit too harsh, but it was the only way he could do this without having to put his emotions out there. Holden couldn’t do casual sex to save his life; he’d give in as soon as he realized Jack wasn’t going to treat him like he had before, and then Jack could get out.

 

Holden carefully pulled his boxers down, enough to pull Jack’s dick out and then pressed a kiss to the head before taking it into his mouth. He wasn’t used to it, wasn’t as skilled as Marco or as enthusiastic as Alex, but he’d been _practicing_ , he’d been practicing with _Jack_ , and he knew what he liked. He had to stop halfway, not able to take more in yet, but he wrapped one hand around the part that he couldn’t get into his mouth and squeezed slowly, closing his eyes so he could pretend that this was a normal night, a normal exchange between the two and not Holden’s desperate attempt to keep Jack where he belonged.

 

“Look at me, Jer.” Jack said before he’d even thought about it, cursing himself for letting the nickname slip out. It was almost worth it when Holden’s eyes locked with his - he fucking loved the way lust made Holden’s eyes cloudy. There was a glimmer of hope lost in the sea of lust in his eyes, though, and Jack couldn’t handle it. He tightened his grip on Holden’s hair and thrust forward into his mouth, a moan leaving his lips as Holden choked slightly, the tight heat of the back of Holden’s throat beckoning him closer.

 

Holden inhaled through his nose sharply, squeezed his eyes shut against the burn and forced himself to relax his throat in an attempt to make it easier to take. His free hand gripped the material of Jack’s boxers tightly, ignoring the pinpricks of pain that Jack pulling his hair caused and swallowing carefully like Alex had taught him until Jack was so deep that his nose was nestled in his public hair and all he could do was try to not gag. His tongue was basically useless, his mind kind of blanking and he had no real clue what he was doing except to watch Jack’s face when he worked his throat carefully around his cock. Finally, he needed air enough that he had to pull back and, once he’d inhaled a lungful of air, began to bob his head, doing his best to do what he knew Jack liked; not messy, but not as clean as August liked it; careful flicks of his tongue over the head and enough suction that he saw Jack’s eyes flutter.

 

Jack let him do it for a while, fought the urge to let up on Holden’s hair so he could stroke his fingers through it instead. Usually, he liked it rough. Usually, he would be excited that Holden was okay with him being a little rougher, would be working to make it better for him. But he was trying to scare Holden off here, half wanting to enjoy his final time with Holden and half wanting to just forget the whole damn thing and tell Holden he was staying just so they could do this properly. Holden was doing _well_ , he wanted to praise him, wanted to tell him what he was doing right and make him glow and smile in that way he did when Jack told him he was improving.

 

But then he remembered, with a surge of anger, what he had heard in the station, and he pressed into Holden’s mouth harder than necessary, didn’t try to hold him in place when Holden pushed himself off so he could choke and cough and angrily shove the tears off his face again. He’d triggered his gag reflex and, honestly, he was lucky that Holden hadn’t thrown up on the carpet for it.

 

“Never were very good at that, were you?” Jack sneered down at him, “Not much of a reason to stay for shit cock sucking, huh?”

 

“I’m trying, okay?” Holden yelled, his voice picking up for the first time since he’d walked into the room, “I’m _trying_ , but you know I’m not good at - that, so just…” he looked around and then pushed Jack’s leg a little in the direction of the bed, “Just sit there. I can do better.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Jack laughed, mean and cruel, but Holden didn’t let it get to him. He knew what Jack was doing, and he _wasn’t_ going to be chased off. He was gonna fucking do this - if not for himself, than to at least keep Alex happy. Whatever, it didn’t matter if he was heartbroken; he wouldn’t be able to ever look at Alex again if he hadn’t done everything he could to keep Jack at home.

 

Still, Jack kicked off his pants and boxers and went to sit on the edge of the bed, Holden following on his knees. He shrugged his over shirt off once they were both at the bed and stood up long enough to shove his own pants off - stopping before he’d finished unbuttoning them.

 

“Close your eyes.”

 

Jack raised an eyebrow, “My eyes? Why?”

 

“Just,” Holden touched the hem of his undershirt, “Jack, please. Do this for me. I can’t...I don’t - just. Close them. I don’t want you to see me.”

 

Jack stared for a long moment, then closed them like he was asked. Half because Holden had asked in a voice that, even now, Jack couldn’t say no to; half because he would have broken into tears. Once Holden was sure he couldn’t see anything, _then_ he stripped down quickly and carefully climbed onto his lap.

 

“Just...close your eyes and keep them closed. Pretend I’m whoever you want me to be, okay?”

 

Jack frowned slightly at that but kept his eyes closed. He knew he was being harsh earlier, and he knew that Holden probably took some of it to heart, but he’d spent the last few months worshipping Holden’s body. Surely a couple words weren’t all it took to destroy the confidence of the other man. Jack placed a hand on Holden’s hip; gentle, unlike his previous touches, and he thought it would do something to reassure Holden but it wouldn’t fix the damage that had been done.

 

Holden flinched at the touch, shying away from his hand and reaching over to carefully move it to a less fleshy part of his body, laughing awkwardly.

 

“I know I’m not...the ideal body type. Too much pie, huh?” He laughed again, “Alex is prettier. I bet you’d like this more if he were here. Maybe I should have stayed in the car this time.”

 

Jack didn’t say anything back, his chest hurting, his tongue frozen, his throat refusing to swallow.

 

“I’ll shut up now,” Holden cleared his throat, and then Jack felt him lean over to grab what was presumably the lube from the bedside table. He expected to feel the full, familiar weight of Holden on his hips once he’d settled but, instead, he just felt quivering thighs on either side of his hips as Holden held himself up.

 

“Lube?” Holden asked hesitantly, “Or should we go without?” Was that something that Jack could find outside of their...whatever they had between the seven of them? He didn’t think any of them fucked without lube, but he’d heard of it before.

 

“Are you fucking stupid?” Jack muttered, still keeping his eyes closed and not wanting to see the undoubtedly pained expression on Holden’s face. “Use lube, Holden, Jesus.”

 

Holden nodded despite Jack not being able to see him. He opened the bottle, squeezing some out onto his hand and contemplating on whether or not to prep himself. He decided against it, wrapping his hand around Jack’s cock and stroking a few times. He positioned himself better, the head of Jack’s cock right against his hole and he took in a deep breath, Marco did this unprepped all the time and he knew it drove Graves and August crazy, so he knew it was possible. He just needed to relax, go loose like Marco. _Think Marco_ , he repeated to himself.

 

Holden lowers himself slightly, barely even getting an inch onto Jack’s dick before he whimpered in pain, tears filling his eyes again and overflowing. He had to bite his lip to stop himself from sobbing. One of his hands moved to Jack’s shoulder, nails digging into the skin as he steeled himself to just keep lowering himself but the pain was too much. He couldn’t _relax_ , he was too stressed out, and _thinking Marco_ was only reminding him that if he didn’t keep Jack then he would be the one to tell everyone that Jack had left and _he_ hadn’t stopped it.

 

“Holden, fucking,” Jack moved his hands to Holden’s hips, moving him back up sharply. “Stretch yourself, for the love of God, you’re going to hurt yourself if you don’t and you’re too goddamn tight, otherwise.”

 

Shit, he was right. Holden opened his eyes, expecting to see Jack’s open too, but his were still screwed shut. He sniffled slightly, not bothering to wipe his tears and just getting the bottle of lube, opening it and putting more on his fingers before he reached behind himself and slowly pressed one inside. He was as quick as he could be - but that was still relatively slow. He was used to Jack doing this, or Alex, and it was awkward to reach that part of himself, and he could only get his fingers so deep. He didn’t bother trying to find his prostate or make it any more than it had to be, just pressed a second in when he felt he was comfortable enough for it and scissoring them carefully. It was only two or three minutes that he spent stretching, trying to be fast but not quite able to bring himself to go so fast that he caused himself any pain. His first attempt at taking Jack in had left him sore and his body even more unwilling to relax. It didn’t help that his eyes were burning and he was trying to hold back his tears and couldn’t stop sniffing.

 

“Holden,” Jack started, finally starting to listen to the little voice in his head telling him that this was...not a great idea, but Holden cut him off.

 

“It’s fine,” He said loudly, “I’m done, I can do it, just lay back and...enjoy.”

 

He gripped Jack’s dick again, moved his hand up and down to get him a little harder because he’d begun to go soft in the moments that Holden had been stretching himself, and then pressed the head to his hole and held his breath as he carefully lowered himself down. He went in this time, to Holden’s relief.

 

Jack gripped his hips hard, tensing under him at the feeling, and Holden held back a smile. Maybe he couldn’t do much right - make Jack happy, keep him in Silverlake, give a goddamn blowjob - but he could at least do this.

 

He watched Jack’s face shift the deeper he sunk into Holden, the familiar furrow of his brow, the way he bit his lip, the soft gasp he let out when Holden had taken all of him and he could feel how far in he was. He rested a hand on Jack’s shoulder for balance, used the other to wipe at his eyes again so he wasn’t blinded by tears. He was gonna rock Jack’s world and show him exactly what he’d be missing once he left. He wasn’t in love with him, but Holden could be okay with that - if all Jack wanted was sex, then Holden could do that.

 

Jack was barely making noise, biting down on his lip and just enjoying the feeling of Holden around him. He couldn’t help but stutter some sort of sound when Holden started to move, a slow pull upward that dragged the barely stretched, warm walls of his body around Jack’s dick, and then squeezed him tight when he carefully dropped back down.

 

He managed to keep his composure, mostly. Holden, on the other hand was a complete mess. Holden was loud, they’d all worked pretty hard to make sure of that, and Jack liked to hear the moans that Holden couldn’t hold back - wished he could see the flushed skin of his chest and face, the way the moans leaving his lips shaped his mouth in that cute ‘o’ as his pace stuttered from the pleasure he was feeling. Jack smirked at the mental image, enjoying the fact that Holden could crumble around him without even having to do anything.

 

“You are such a fucking slut, Jeremy.” Jack laughed out when he felt Holden shutter on top of him, one of his hands moving down to Holden’s thighs and pinching some of the skin harshly just to make Holden yelp. Holden whimpered out Jack’s name, grinding his hips down on Jack’s cock. “I wish I could see you right now, crying and moaning with my cock so deep inside you.”

 

Jack’s filthy words brought Holden closer to the edge than he’d expected, but he stopped himself from tipping over by gripping the base of his dick and holding tight enough that he couldn't come, even if he’d wanted to. Alex had taught him some tricks on how to last longer and he was grateful for them. His thighs quivered, barely being able to hold himself up and keep moving, but he didn’t want to drop onto Jack’s lap. He was feeling gross, sweaty and insecure and too heavy to be on top; but this was Jack’s favorite position, and he was doing this for Jack, so he put up with the cramps he could feel coming.

 

“Fuck, I want to see you,” Jack finally broke, his hands sliding up his thighs, over the chub of his stomach to settle on his hips again, press finger-shaped bruises into the pale skin there, “Let me see you, baby,”

 

“J-Jack, please. I can’t.” He cried out, burying his head in Jack’s shoulder, “Please, Jack...I just want - you,”

 

“Shh. It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.” Jack whispered, wrapping his arms around Holden’s shaking body. Jesus, _fuck_ , what had he been thinking; Him? Ever resist Holden, like this? What a fucking joke. Holden didn’t _do_ casual sex, of course he’d manage to twist this - twist _Jack_ \- into something more. “Can I open my eyes?”

 

Holden nodded against his neck, a small smile on his lips at the fact that Jack was respecting what he had asked him to do, despite everything that had led up to this moment.

 

Jack opened his eyes, squinting slightly at the drastic change in light before he repositioned himself and Holden so that Holden was laying on his back and Jack was over him, Holden’s thick thighs hugging his waist warm and tight against his own.

 

“Is it good enough?” Holden couldn’t help but ask, his fingers going to jack’s hair and tangling through it, “I’m trying so hard, Jack, I’m _trying_ , so _please_ ,”

 

Jack, instead of answering, settled his hands on Holden’s hips and started to move his hips in the way he knew Holden loved, pressing into him slow and rough and deep, rubbing against his prostate and made him make those sweet noises that he couldn’t help but love.

 

He pressed his face into Holden’s neck, breathed deep, tried to keep the anger brewing in his stomach instead of letting it settle into a deep hurt. The Holden who was letting him do this didn’t sound like someone who didn’t care about him, didn’t sound like someone who didn’t think _Jack_ cared.

 

“Jack, I’m -” Holden dug his nails into Jack’s shoulder, gasping out and arching at a particular angle, dragging his hand down Jack’s back and leaving long, deep scratches in his wake as he tossed his head back in pleasure.

 

“Yeah?” Jack hummed into his jawline, “Fuck, you sound so good. Should I call Graves? Let him hear what a desperate bitch you are for my cock, would you like that? Or is this all for me?”

 

“Y-you,” Holden choked out, could barely form words to reply, the pleasure he was getting from Jack’s cock hitting his prostate so consistently was working him up, too close to coming. He reached down, his hand going to his own dick to stop himself from coming again but Jack slapped it away, pinning it down as he leaned closer to Holden’s ear.

 

“Come for me, Jeremy. Be a good boy for me, yeah?” Jack spoke, and then bit down on Holden’s neck and that was all it took for him to let go, covering his stomach in his own come with only a pathetic whimper accompanying the action, his nails digging deep into Jack’s back. If this was their last go, he was going to leave something to remember him by.

 

“Jer,” Jack groaned, arching into the pain, gasping at the sudden wave that came over him. He came with barely a grunt against Holden’s skin, still deep inside, rolling his hips slow and shallow - more of a grind into Holden’s ass, until he’d worked everything he had to give deep into Holden, where it would stay until he pulled out.

 

Holden held Jack close, still gripping his hips tight with his thighs and locking his ankles at his lower back, still shivering from his own orgasm and reeling from all the emotions vying for attention. It was overwhelming, feeling so close and so distant and so secure and so scared all at once.

 

They both took a moment to breathe and try to calm down together, their bodies in perfect tandem, as if this were the normal night that Holden was pretending it was. When he could finally think straight again, he brushed gentle fingers through Jack’s hair in silent apology for the probably-bleeding scratches along his back.

 

“Was it enough?” He asked quietly, his voice quivering as hard as his thighs.

 

“No.” Jack carefully pressed Holden’s legs back to the bed and pulled out, sat up, shaking slightly from his own orgasm and the hurt he was trying so hard to repress. He bent over the edge of the bed, picking up his boxers and putting them on before throwing Holden’s over to him on his way to grab his clothes.

 

Jack didn’t spare Holden a single glance, knowing he would regret if he did. Rightfully so, because Holden had covered his face with his hands to try to muffle his sharp inhales of breath, his shoulders shaking as he looked down at the bundled article of clothing on his still dirty stomach. He could feel his own emotions course through his body, making him feel overwhelmed and completely empty all at the same time. He had actually thought that maybe, just maybe, he was enough to make Jack stay. Clearly, he wasn’t. Not his feelings, not his body.

 

“Jack, please.” He finally found words, though they came out completely stuttered and he wasn’t even sure if the volume he was speaking at was above a whisper, but he continued on anyway in a last attempt to get him to reconsider - if he was leaving, Holden had to get it out. “Please, you need to stay, I need you here. I can’t...Fuck, Jack, you can’t just leave us, I'm in love with you and I know you don’t like it but you can't just lea-.”

 

“What?” Jack spun around, so quickly he could feel his brain still catching up. “What did you just say?” His words came out unnecessarily angry - shock and what may have been a dawning horror giving them a sharper edge than he’d meant and Holden shrank in on himself as Jack walked back over to him, tears still filling at the corner of his eyes and falling, fat and slow, down his flushed cheeks. His mind running at a million miles an hour, too many thoughts for him to really even notice the tears until Holden finally answered him.

 

“J-Jack, I'm sorry,, I didn’t _mean_ to fall in love with you, I know you didn’t - I’m sorry, I’m _sorry_ ,” He choked out, shaking his head in his hands and repeating the words like a mantra until Jack - not knowing what else to do - cupped his face with both hands and kissed him, their first kiss since that morning.

 

Holden didn’t argue, just reached up for Jack’s face and pulled him closer, kissed him hard and desperate and tried to pour every ounce of his feelings into it.

 

Jack practically shoved him back onto the bed, climbing over him until he had him pinned again, Holden still naked and Jack in nothing but his boxers, never breaking the kiss until he had Holden down by the wrists.

 

“You said,” he got out, nearly livid at his own confusion, “That you weren’t in love with me an _hour_ ago, Jeremy. You said I wasn’t in love with you, you weren’t in love with me -”

 

“What are you - I said that to _Alex_!” Holden retorted, cutting him off, “I said it because you always get so fucking weird about it when people imply that you _feel anything_ and he was teasing me about it and I didn’t want you to hear it! I didn’t _mean it_ , Jack, is that what this was about!?”

 

“I _love you_ , you _idiot_!” Jack shouted back, sitting up only to be closely followed by Holden, who would let go of Jack’s wrist when he was cold and fucking dead, “I love you and you - you don’t _know_? I thought you - I thought _we_ \- it _hurt_ , you can’t just say I don’t -”

 

“I hate you,” Holden said suddenly, interrupting him, “I hate you, you stupid _piece of shit_ , you almost left us because you _eavesdropped_ , I _hate_ you, I said I had _feelings for you_ before I said anything about you not loving me, I told him I had _feelings for you_!” He slapped at Jack’s shoulder and then did it again until he was practically beating at his chest, suddenly so angry he couldn’t even see straight, “You _almost left_ over _that_!?”

 

“Jer -”

 

“Don’t you _dare_ ,” Holden snapped, and he was properly angry now - still crying and it _hurt_ Jack that he was crying; there was too much happening, too much being revealed when Jack was still in _run away_ mode, “Y-you said I was just an-another _hole to fuck_ -”

 

“Shit,” Jack caught his wrists, squeezed them tight and then moved his hands so he was holding Holden’s, bringing them up to press a kiss to both of them, “I’m sorry, Jer, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, none of it -”

 

“Fuck you,” Holden choked out, “ _Fuck you_ , I love you but you’re the _stupidest man I know_ ,”

 

“I know I am, fuck, Jeremy. I’m so sorry,” Jack said, placing kisses on Holden’s wrists and cheeks before more guilt crept up on him. “Shit, I fucking - I made you have sex with me. Oh God, I practically fucking r-”

 

“Don’t,” Holden stopped him, “You didn’t make me do anything.” He looked at Jack, seeing his eyes gloss over with tears. Jack’s grip on his wrists loosened and Holden wiggled them out, placing them on the sides of his face and softly rubbing his thumbs over the apples of Jack’s cheeks. “I wanted to do that, okay? You didn’t force me into anything.”

 

Jack didn’t reply verbally. Instead, he collapsed into Holden’s arms, pressed his face to his shoulders, and promptly broke down. Jack didn’t cry often, not over shit like this. He didn’t like being vulnerable, didn’t like _feeling_ so goddamn much but Holden and Alex made that so fucking _difficult_. He felt horrible and happy at once - relief that he didn’t have to leave and guilt and disgust with himself for what he’d done to and made Holden do, exhaustion and discontent and like he just wanted to let Holden hold him from feeling it all - and it didn’t calm until Holden wrapped him in his arms and stroked his back, careful to avoid the harsh red lines he had left behind and quietly shushed Jack to try to calm down his crying.

 

It took ten minutes for Jack to stop sobbing, his crying dwindling down to quiet whimpers and sniffles. Holden’s eyes were hurting from him trying to stay awake and Jack was beyond exhausted from crying.

 

“I love you.” Jack said, earnestly and wanting Holden to know that. Out of all of this, he wanted Holden to _know that_. He probably wouldn’t be able to say it again for a while, once he’d rebuilt the walls he’d just cried away.

 

“I know you do, Jay.” Holden replied, kissing the top of Jack’s head and pressing a smile into his hair.

 

“I’m sorry,” He set up wiping his eyes, “I’m so fucking sorry, Jeremy, I...I got scared, and I know I told you I’d work on it, I _promised_ and I thought I had, but I got scared and I just - fuck, I didn’t think you’d go along with it. I thought you’d - slap me, and go tell Alex I was an asshole and then you _did_ go with it and I just...I thought I’d scare you off, but it just got out of hand, and I -”

 

“Jack,” Holden wiped at his own eyes, “It’s okay. You didn’t...force me into anything. You didn’t hurt me or whatever the hell you think you did. I’m just glad you aren’t leaving.” He hesitated, “Are you?”

 

“No,” Jack said with feeling, “Unless...after what I said to you, unless you want me to?”

 

“ _No_ ,” Holden reached out for him and caught his hand, squeezing him tight, “No. Don’t...don’t go.”

 

Jack nodded, reaching out to stroke his cheek gently just to feel his soft skin, “I don’t want to go.”

 

“Good.” Holden cupped the hand touching his face, closed his eyes and leaned into it. After a moment, his eyes snapped open. “Alex is still in the car.”

 

“The...the whole time?” Jack sat up from the slump he’d been in again Holden, his eyes widening, “Shit, you told me and I forgot!”

 

“I was supposed to,” Holden looked around for his pants but winced when he tried to lean over to grab them, his lower back, thighs and ass sore, “My phone, uh,”

 

“I got it,” Jack pressed a kiss to his forehead and grabbed his pants off the ground, fishing through the pockets for his phone and pulling it out.

 

“Three missed calls.”

 

“He’s gonna be pissed.” Holden sighed, and then hit the recall button to dial Alex up.

 

“Well, look who decided to use their fucking phone.” Alex’s annoyed voice came through the speaker.

 

“Hey, Alex.” Holden replied cheerfully, wanting to wind Alex up even more than he already was. “What’re you up to?”

 

“ _What am I up to_? Holden, I fucking swear to God I will go up there and choke you.” Alex seethed, most of it being fake anger because he was actually really relieved that Holden managed to make this situation end happily.

 

“That’s my job, Alex.” Jack spoke up, his voice slightly muffled on Alex’s end and that sparked up another flame of anger inside of Alex.

 

“Jack, if you fucking hurt Holden I will make sure you can’t use your hands to choke anyone for a fucking year.” He threatened.

 

“Sorry, Alex, can’t hear you! I think we’re going through a tunnel!” Jack said before he hung up on Alex, dropping the phone onto the floor again and laughing at Holden’s shocked expression.

 

“Jack!”

 

“Hush,” Jack pushed him onto his back and crawled on top, wiggling them around until he could pull the comforter over their heads. He leaned down, pressed their foreheads together in the dark and could feel the flustered grin on Holden’s face, “Tunnel.”

 

“Tunnel of love?” Holden offered, and laughed too hard at Jack’s disgusted groan.

 

Alex sat in the car, staring down at the phone in disbelief before he dialed Marco’s number to ask for a ride to his and August’s house. He was going to spend the night there and then spend the day ripping Jack a new one for upsetting them both so much. For now, he’d let whatever he and Holden were doing to make them sound so happy keep happening. It was good, hearing them both happy.

 


End file.
